Decoding Toddler Tantrums
Co-Regulation Strategies That Actually Work
What if a tantrum isn't simply "bad behaviour"? What if it is a little person having a very big feeling without yet having the skills to manage it independently?
"I'm having a BIG feeling..."
"An adult helps me feel safe."
Do you also think toddler tantrums are a behavioural problem?
Take a moment and think again.
Parents
"How do I get my child to stop?"
Grandparents
"Just give the child what they want."
Strangers
"Kids these days are so spoiled."
Change the question.
Instead of asking
"How do we get this child to stop crying?"
Try asking
"What is happening to this child that is making them have such a big reaction?"
Understanding tantrums does not mean children always get what they want, nor does it mean every behaviour is acceptable. It means recognising that toddlers can experience very big feelings while still developing the skills to manage those feelings independently.
Big emotions.
Developing skills.
The American Psychological Association describes a tantrum as a sudden, intense outburst of anger, frustration, or emotional distress, commonly observed in young children.
Toddlers are still learning how to communicate, tolerate disappointment, and manage frustration. Their emotional experiences can be intense, while their ability to express and regulate those experiences is still developing.
Think about this:
You say no to a second round of chocolate because you're concerned about your child's dental health.
You understand the reason. Your toddler simply understands: "I can't have more chocolate."
The disappointment can feel enormous.
Tantrums can be a normal part of development.
Tantrums are particularly common during early childhood, especially between around 18 months and 3 years. Children are still developing emotional regulation, communication, impulse control and frustration tolerance.
At the same time, tantrums that are unusually frequent, intense, harmful, or significantly disruptive may deserve professional attention.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is the process through which a responsive adult helps a child manage emotions and behaviour.
Stay available
Help your child feel that they are not alone while experiencing a difficult emotion.
Create safety
Your calm presence can help the child gradually move from overwhelm towards feeling safer and more settled.
Build independence
Repeated experiences of co-regulation help children gradually develop their own emotional regulation skills.
Co-regulation doesn't mean being calm every second.
It means helping your child move from overwhelmed towards more settled.
10 Co-Regulation Strategies
Small changes in the way we respond can create meaningful opportunities for children to learn emotional regulation.
Regulate yourself first
Before helping your child regulate their emotions, pause and check your own emotional state. Your calm presence can become an anchor for your child.
Name the feeling
Help your toddler recognise and understand the emotion they are experiencing.
Set boundaries with empathy
Acknowledge the feeling while maintaining a clear and consistent boundary.
Offer choices
Small, age-appropriate choices can help toddlers experience independence without removing boundaries.
Prevent where possible
Notice patterns around hunger, tiredness, overstimulation and transitions. These can make emotional regulation harder.
Handle public tantrums
Public tantrums can feel stressful. Focus on your child's needs rather than the judgement of people around you.
Avoid shouting & physical punishment
Fear may stop behaviour temporarily, but connection and teaching emotional skills support longer-term learning.
Reconnect after the tantrum
Once your child is calm, reconnect. Offer comfort and gently talk about what happened.
Build emotional skills gradually
Emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time. Use everyday moments to teach communication, emotional vocabulary and frustration tolerance.
Know when to seek help
Consider professional support if tantrums are unusually frequent, intense, harmful or significantly disruptive to your child's daily life.
A gentle reminder for parents
Your toddler isn't giving you a hard time. They may be having a hard time.
You can hold the boundary and hold space for the emotion at the same time. Connection does not mean permissiveness. Understanding does not mean giving in.
Tantrums are moments to teach, not moments to shame.
A toddler doesn't need a perfect parent. They need repeated experiences of being understood, supported and guided while they learn how to handle their big emotions.
Co-regulation today can become self-regulation tomorrow. 💛
Need help understanding your child's behaviour?
If your child's emotional or behavioural difficulties are becoming difficult to manage, speaking with a child psychologist can help you understand the underlying needs and develop practical strategies.
Explore Child Psychology Support →Note: This article is intended for psychoeducation and does not replace an individual assessment or professional advice. Development and behaviour can vary from child to child.
